So... as a public service to all you fine folks, who just can't get it together, I've compiled an advisory team of my celebrity pals, well-known for their sense of justice and fair-play, to assist me with assisting you to answer a couple of your petty questions and get your inane little lives back on track.

Pete Townshend

Moby

Mariah Carey

Eminem

I was at a dance club last night with my friend Greg, who's got a case of the hots for this girl Lindy, but Lindy is not interested in Greg like that. Later that night, Lindy was dancing and I asked Greg if he was ok with me dancing with her and he said yes. So I went to the floor and danced with her. She was on a cube about two feet high and I was on the floor, she raised her shirt, showing off her stomach and bra, and I ran my hands along her thighs, legs and stomach. She went up and down and would thrust her crotch in front of my face, I would kiss her chest, and it stopped when our lips and tongues touched. I want to dance with her some more. Should I ask Greg for her number?

What's a boy to do?

Peter-Peter-Lindy-Eater

	Dear Peter, A BOY better check with his FRIEND before proceeding any further. This BOY might also want to keep in mind that LINDY is a SLUT and is probably just working the BOY for her own self-interest. However, if the BOY can still get LAID out of the DEAL, then he should go for it. Love, Chica Lishis
	Oiy mate! Call her and make a date to go dancing agin'. But if she dies the night before your date, I'd still go dancing without her. xoxo, Pete

I saw Benicio Del Toro walking along the street the other day by my apartment. I got really excited and followed him for a few blocks. Should I have said "Hi"?

Kerry

	Dear Kerry, No, celebrities do not like to be talked to by the "little people". You did the right thing by following him, but you didn't take it far enough. Don't stop following a celebrity just because their path has you roaming far out of your calling plan. Continue to follow them until they arrive at their destination. If it's a restaurant or club or something like that, wait outside, preferably conspicuously hidden in some nearby shrubbery, until they come out, and then continue tailing them. If it's a private residence, well CONGRATULATIONS! You've just hit the celebrity jackpot, as most famous folks won't easily give up their home address without a fight and some expertly dispensed sodium pentothol. Now the real fun can begin. Daily drive-bys, anonymous letters and packages, there are all kinds of tactics to bring you closer to your beloved icon. Stalking doesn't have to be scary (but that makes it much more enjoyable!). Use your imagination and be creative in your efforts. The rewards are great indeed. Love, Chica Lishis
	Dear Kerry, I hate Eminem. Peace out, Moby
	Dear Kerry, Fuck you Moby! Fuck you and the fucking faggot ass-fucking mouth you spout shit out of! Fuck-head. Fuck off and die. Bitch! Eminem

I have a lot of pimples, I am not pretty, and I smell like a fish. Does that make me a bad person?

Yolanda

Dear Yolanda, I'm so very sorry, but, yes. Yes it does. Love, Chica Lishis

Dear Yolanda, Oh baby! You live the dream! You keep reaching for the stars! Someday you will blossom into a beautiful, advantageously married and wildly successful popstar, and your pimples won't matter 'cause they airbrush photos anyway. And your body odor won't matter either, because you're so rich, people would rather kiss your ass than tell you it stinks. Sadly, the success will all fall away in a storm of mental illness, divorce, and horrific acting. But don't you stop believing in yourself! Kisses! Mariah

Why, yes! I have been moonlighting as a Vegas-style back-up dancer at Sleater-Kinney shows, but that doesn't mean I'm too busy for you dearies. Email me at [email protected].

Chica Lishis dissects the Willamette Week's MusicFEST NW

Chica Lishis: A New Monthly Column Here At In Music We Trust

[Issue Fifty-Two // September 2002]